Funny Quotes You all know the expression, "Laughter is the best medicine." That old saying is true. Humor can be a great way to relieve stress and bring some joy into your life.
This funny collection offers a variety of ways to make someone smile or turn around a bad mood. Even if the person is you! There are many funny quotes on love, marriage and aging. You can print your favorite quotes and use them as greeting cards or social media captions.
These hilarious quotes are from comedians such as Betty White, Joan Rivers and Lucille Ball. There are also laugh-out-loud lines from classic sitcoms such as The Office and smart-but-funny movies like Steel Magnolias. Enjoy our list, and remember to bookmark it for when you need a good laugh. You are looking for inspiration? These inspirational quotes and poignant quotes are perfect for women.
Funny Quotes
- Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin
- I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis
- I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. Zach Galifianakis
- I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’ Zach Galifianakis
- My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing. Zach Galifianakis
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- I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name. Zach Galifianakis
- I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean. Zach Galifianakis
- The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis (jokes4us.com)
- It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV. Tina Fey
- Say yes. You’ll figure it out afterward. Tina Fey
- I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. Tina Fey
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- Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. Tiny Fey
- Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey (buzzfeed.com)
- We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds
- If you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been. Ryan Reynolds
- Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you’ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows. Ryan Reynolds
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- Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. Ryan Reynolds
- Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing. Ryan Reynolds
- Anyone know the number to 911? Ryan Reynolds
- Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
- If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams
- Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Robin Williams
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- See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams
- Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
- I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams
- Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better. Ricky Gervais
- Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. Ricky Gervais
- Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid. Ricky Gervais
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- The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either’. Ricky Gervais
- I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Ricky Gervais
- You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway. Ricky Gervais
- Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right. Ricky Gervais
- Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Louis C.K.
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- It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them. Louis C.K.
- Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C.K.
- I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’. Louis C.K.
- “Fuck it.” That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K.
- There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars. Louis C.K.
- Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up. Louis C.K. Louis C.K.
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- If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question. Kevin Hart
- First off, my kids know I’m a big deal. Kevin Hart
- I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart
- These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask. Kevin Hart
- I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. Kevin Hart
- Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. Jimmy Fallon
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- Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. Jimmy Fallon
- Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Jimmy Fallon
- I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. Jimmy Fallon
- I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. Jimmy Fallon
- If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice. Jimmy Fallon
- Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. Jimmy Fallon
- The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon
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